PI Unsuccessfully Compares Project To Jalen Brunson

PHILADELPHIA, PA—In a lab meeting that sources described as "confusing," University of Pennsylvania professor Dr. Rick Spano spent fourteen minutes Tuesday comparing a failing research project to New York Knicks point guard Jalen Brunson, despite the analogy not working on any level.

The project, which seeks to identify ubiquitinylated DNA fragments secreted from dendritic cells, has produced no positive results since its inception in 2022. Several lab members have privately noted that ubiquitinylation of DNA would not make any sense. The project has consumed $340,000 in grant funding and the full attention of two graduate students who have asked not to be named.

Lab members confirmed that Spano’s sports analogies tend to follow whatever documentary he has recently watched. In 2020, following the release of ESPN’s “The Last Dance,” Spano compared a struggling R01 application to Michael Jordan’s 1995 return from retirement. “We’re coming back,” he told the lab. “And we’re going to take it personally.” The grant was not funded. In 2021, Spano compared a collaboration with a group at UNC to the 1992 Dream Team. The UNC group ended the collaboration four months later. In 2023, after watching a documentary about the Dallas Cowboys, Hartman told a postdoc that her project was “America’s Team.” The postdoc has since returned to Germany.

Spano confirmed that he had watched the Knicks' playoff run and been inspired by their resilience. "Brunson took a discount to stay in New York and bet on himself," Spano told the lab. "That's what we're doing. We're betting on ourselves."

When asked whether the project had any preliminary data supporting its central hypothesis, Spano said that Brunson didn’t have preliminary data and that sometimes you have to trust the process. A graduate student pointed out that “trust the process” was a Philadelphia 76ers slogan. Spano said the meeting was over.

At press time, Spano had emailed the lab a link to a documentary about the 1980 U.S. Olympic hockey team with the subject line "This is us."